20 December 2000
That Time of Year – Again
Taxation presents a collection of amusing trivia for readers to savour.
Christmas is all but upon us, so it must be time for Taxation magazine to let its hair down, and offer readers something that will bring a smile to their lips instead of sending them rushing to the legislation. Some of the anecdotes which follow are totally irrelevant to tax, while others are simply irreverent – to tax.
Pay up or we'll shoot!
An extraordinary news report reproduced from Accountingweb
Taxation presents a collection of amusing trivia for readers to savour.
Christmas is all but upon us, so it must be time for Taxation magazine to let its hair down, and offer readers something that will bring a smile to their lips instead of sending them rushing to the legislation. Some of the anecdotes which follow are totally irrelevant to tax, while others are simply irreverent – to tax.
Pay up or we'll shoot!
An extraordinary news report reproduced from Accountingweb
That Time of Year – Again
Taxation presents a collection of amusing trivia for readers to savour.
Christmas is all but upon us, so it must be time for Taxation magazine to let its hair down, and offer readers something that will bring a smile to their lips instead of sending them rushing to the legislation. Some of the anecdotes which follow are totally irrelevant to tax, while others are simply irreverent – to tax.
Pay up or we'll shoot!
An extraordinary news report reproduced from Accountingweb
A cadet school has been opened in Moscow to train children as young as 10 to be gun-wielding tax police, reports the Sunday Telegraph.
The Russian tax authorities are well known for their armed assaults on tax evaders and this latest move will see 140 pupils, 20 of them girls, graduating in due course as highly armed tax inspectors ready to take on the spiralling organised crime rackets in the country.
Shooting practice, parachuting and martial arts are all part of the training, and teachers in combat gear keep cadets on their toes. Emphasis is also being put on educating trainee inspectors in economics and law.
Once qualified, tax inspectors carry machine guns and wear black ski masks. Since December 1999 they have been able to tap telephones and read the private communications of suspected tax fraudsters. They have almost the same powers as the FBS intelligence agency, the successor to the feared KGB.
Quotable quotes
Reproduced by permission from the Sri Lanka Tax Review.
The IRS may take some solace from the fact that Matthew was a tax collector before he became a saint. – Donald C. Alexander.
Though tax records are generally looked upon as a nuisance, the day may come when historians will realise that tax records tell the real story behind civilised life. – Charles Adams.
This (preparing my tax return) is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher. – Albert Einstein.
War involves in its progress such a train of unforeseen and unsupposed circumstances that no human wisdom can calculate the end. It has one thing certain, and that is to increase taxes. – Tom Paine.
I believe we should all pay our tax bills with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash. – Anon.
Thanks a lot for tax reform. I am spending about five hours now working on my taxes and paying my accountant twice as much. – Letter from a taxpayer to the Inland Revenue.
VAT (or GST) is the Mata Hari of the tax world. Many are tempted, many succumb, some tremble on the brink, while others leave only to return, eventually the attraction appears irresistible. – Alan Tait.
To please universally was the object of his life, but to tax and to please no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men. – Edmund Burke.
I want to be sure that he is a ruthless son of a bitch, that he will do what he is told, that every income tax return I want to see, I see. – President Richard Nixon commenting on the kind of IRS Commissioner he wanted.
Grimm says that Odin had a poll tax which was called in Sweden a nose tax; it was a penny per nose or poll. – Definition of the term 'paying through the nose'.
The ideologists of taxation are constantly attributing their own preference
to some higher disinterested wisdom. – Louis Eisenstein.
In levying taxes and shearing sheep, it is well to stop when you get down to the skin. – Austin O'Malley.
You can have a king and you can have a lord, but the man to fear is the tax collector. – An ancient Sumerian tablet.
A good shepherd should shear his flock, not skin it. – Tiberius Caesar's advice to Roman tax collectors.
Shorter Tax Return Form
It has been suggested that instead of a present long and complicated tax return form, a shorter form be issued by the Inland Revenue Department to taxpayers with the following message:
1. How much money did you make last year?
2. How much have you got left?
3. Send it.
The Canadian way
Below is a copy of a real letter submitted to the United States Internal Revenue Service in 1995, reproduced from Accountingweb.
'Dear Sirs,
'I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependants I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
'The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their tax returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
'While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defence funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
'Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were trespassing houses.
'In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal.
'Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
'Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. 'Hooked on Phonics' is expensive, so the schools dropped it.
'But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys-in-the-hood/reggae/yuppie/political double-speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her 'r's'. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
'She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of 'nests' in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
'You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counselling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the 395 dollars in additional tax and made a down payment on an aeroplane.
Yours truly,
Bob.'
(Note: The IRS actually allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
Differences between company and private cars
Reproduced from Ford Fleet magazine, March 1979
Company cars boast the following features rarely found in private cars:
They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
They can take ramps at twice the speed of private cars.
Batteries, oil, water and tyre pressures do not need to be checked.
The floor is shaped just like an ashtray.
They can be driven for up to 100 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by adjusting the stereo volume control.
No security is needed and they can be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
Tortuous language
English is a notoriously difficult language to get right, as these actual signs posted in other countries will testify.
Budapest (Hungary) Zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Belgrade (Yugoslavia) elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then going alphabetically by national order.
Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
Tokyo car rental firm: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Norwegian lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Rhodes (Greece) tailor shop: Order your summers suits. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
Athens (Greece) hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.
Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Moscow hotel: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Swiss menu: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Polish menu: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Hong Kong ad: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
Swiss mountain inn: Special today – no ice cream.
Copenhagen (Denmark) airline: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Moscow hotel: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
Japanese hotel: Coldness and heaters: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
Anagrams
Reproduced from the magazine of Tall Persons Club
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is no Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No more z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
'To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune' = In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
'That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind – Neil Armstrong = 'Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!'
Seasons greetings!
But enough is enough! In the words of Clement C Moore 'Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!'
The editor and staff of Taxation wish readers a Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year. Please note that the next issue of Taxation will be published on Thursday 11 January 2001.
Taxation presents a collection of amusing trivia for readers to savour.
Christmas is all but upon us, so it must be time for Taxation magazine to let its hair down, and offer readers something that will bring a smile to their lips instead of sending them rushing to the legislation. Some of the anecdotes which follow are totally irrelevant to tax, while others are simply irreverent – to tax.
Pay up or we'll shoot!
An extraordinary news report reproduced from Accountingweb
A cadet school has been opened in Moscow to train children as young as 10 to be gun-wielding tax police, reports the Sunday Telegraph.
The Russian tax authorities are well known for their armed assaults on tax evaders and this latest move will see 140 pupils, 20 of them girls, graduating in due course as highly armed tax inspectors ready to take on the spiralling organised crime rackets in the country.
Shooting practice, parachuting and martial arts are all part of the training, and teachers in combat gear keep cadets on their toes. Emphasis is also being put on educating trainee inspectors in economics and law.
Once qualified, tax inspectors carry machine guns and wear black ski masks. Since December 1999 they have been able to tap telephones and read the private communications of suspected tax fraudsters. They have almost the same powers as the FBS intelligence agency, the successor to the feared KGB.
Quotable quotes
Reproduced by permission from the Sri Lanka Tax Review.
The IRS may take some solace from the fact that Matthew was a tax collector before he became a saint. – Donald C. Alexander.
Though tax records are generally looked upon as a nuisance, the day may come when historians will realise that tax records tell the real story behind civilised life. – Charles Adams.
This (preparing my tax return) is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher. – Albert Einstein.
War involves in its progress such a train of unforeseen and unsupposed circumstances that no human wisdom can calculate the end. It has one thing certain, and that is to increase taxes. – Tom Paine.
I believe we should all pay our tax bills with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash. – Anon.
Thanks a lot for tax reform. I am spending about five hours now working on my taxes and paying my accountant twice as much. – Letter from a taxpayer to the Inland Revenue.
VAT (or GST) is the Mata Hari of the tax world. Many are tempted, many succumb, some tremble on the brink, while others leave only to return, eventually the attraction appears irresistible. – Alan Tait.
To please universally was the object of his life, but to tax and to please no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men. – Edmund Burke.
I want to be sure that he is a ruthless son of a bitch, that he will do what he is told, that every income tax return I want to see, I see. – President Richard Nixon commenting on the kind of IRS Commissioner he wanted.
Grimm says that Odin had a poll tax which was called in Sweden a nose tax; it was a penny per nose or poll. – Definition of the term 'paying through the nose'.
The ideologists of taxation are constantly attributing their own preference
to some higher disinterested wisdom. – Louis Eisenstein.
In levying taxes and shearing sheep, it is well to stop when you get down to the skin. – Austin O'Malley.
You can have a king and you can have a lord, but the man to fear is the tax collector. – An ancient Sumerian tablet.
A good shepherd should shear his flock, not skin it. – Tiberius Caesar's advice to Roman tax collectors.
Shorter Tax Return Form
It has been suggested that instead of a present long and complicated tax return form, a shorter form be issued by the Inland Revenue Department to taxpayers with the following message:
1. How much money did you make last year?
2. How much have you got left?
3. Send it.
The Canadian way
Below is a copy of a real letter submitted to the United States Internal Revenue Service in 1995, reproduced from Accountingweb.
'Dear Sirs,
'I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependants I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
'The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their tax returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
'While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defence funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
'Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were trespassing houses.
'In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal.
'Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
'Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. 'Hooked on Phonics' is expensive, so the schools dropped it.
'But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys-in-the-hood/reggae/yuppie/political double-speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her 'r's'. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
'She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of 'nests' in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
'You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counselling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the 395 dollars in additional tax and made a down payment on an aeroplane.
Yours truly,
Bob.'
(Note: The IRS actually allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
Differences between company and private cars
Reproduced from Ford Fleet magazine, March 1979
Company cars boast the following features rarely found in private cars:
They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
They can take ramps at twice the speed of private cars.
Batteries, oil, water and tyre pressures do not need to be checked.
The floor is shaped just like an ashtray.
They can be driven for up to 100 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by adjusting the stereo volume control.
No security is needed and they can be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
Tortuous language
English is a notoriously difficult language to get right, as these actual signs posted in other countries will testify.
Budapest (Hungary) Zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Belgrade (Yugoslavia) elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then going alphabetically by national order.
Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
Tokyo car rental firm: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Norwegian lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Rhodes (Greece) tailor shop: Order your summers suits. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
Athens (Greece) hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.
Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Moscow hotel: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Swiss menu: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Polish menu: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Hong Kong ad: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
Swiss mountain inn: Special today – no ice cream.
Copenhagen (Denmark) airline: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Moscow hotel: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
Japanese hotel: Coldness and heaters: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
Anagrams
Reproduced from the magazine of Tall Persons Club
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is no Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No more z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
'To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune' = In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
'That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind – Neil Armstrong = 'Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!'
Seasons greetings!
But enough is enough! In the words of Clement C Moore 'Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!'
The editor and staff of Taxation wish readers a Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year. Please note that the next issue of Taxation will be published on Thursday 11 January 2001.
