Chip and PIN: you’ve heard of that surely. It’s that security system for those credit cards and stuff that you humans insist on using.

I couldn’t stand to use the damn things myself. I’m like royalty, I don’t carry any of the folding stuff and my man. Him Indoors takes care of that sort of thing.

My excuse is that I haven’t yet found any pockets in this fur coat I’ve got on, so where on earth would I keep a credit card? (OK, wiseguy, I knew someone would come up with that suggestion. I was just setting you up for the punchline.)

The phrase ‘chip and PIN’ came into my mind again the other day. I couldn’t get to sleep so had started reading some Hansard reports – always seems to work – and under Revenue and Customs: Security (15 December 2009) I noted that Mr Maude was asking Mr Timms about how many departmental passes had been lost by or stolen from HMRC staff in the two years ended 7 October 2008.

Not quite sure of the significance of that date, however.

Anyway, it transpires that 653 passes were reported as lost and 32 as stolen. Adopting what appears to be a somewhat holier than thou note, it is reported that in the Valuation Office Agency only one pass was lost over the same period.

I also see that HMRC have a helpdesk to report lost passes. I would love to know how many options they have to go through ‘to enable us to better deal with your call – which is, of course, important to us’.

I’d also be interested in knowing if they have to wait as long to get a new departmental security pass as some readers seem to have to wait to get a client’s tax repayment.

Now where was I? Oh yes, chip and PIN. I was again going to suggest that this is a case where HMRC might like to follow us dogs and I think my solution would dispense with the need for security passes and their loss.

Why not chip-and-PIN HMRC employees? We dogs have to go through it.

I think I may have mentioned my experience before when a chip was inserted into the back of my neck so that I could be identified with a scanner if I ever got lost.

I ask you, me, lost? Personally, I think they should have chipped Him Indoors; I always know where I am.

Anyway, that deals with the chip aspect of the process: just scan the back of HMRC employees’ necks as they come into the office.

What about the PIN part, you ask? Well they had to pin me down to the table in the vet’s room once I saw the size of the needle they were going to use to inject me with the chip.

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