From: Forward Planning
To: All departments

Subject: Future developments

Dum de dum, dummer de dum, dum de dum, dum de dum, whoo hoo!

What a scoop for HMRC’s special investigations office this week. In addition to the drama being played out in court six of Southwark Crown Court, featuring ourselves versus Harry Redknapp and Milan Mandaric, we have managed to catch up with another high profile and (alleged) tax evader.

We have been after this guy for years now; always seen around town with a pretty girl in tow, wearing fancy clothes, hobnobbing with politicians, keeping himself looking youthful – 900-odd years of plastic surgery can’t be cheap – and all with no visible means of financial support.

Yes, we have him at last: The Doctor.

He is claiming under questioning that he’d forgotten about that money in an off-planet bank account with HSBC Gallifrey. We can’t believe he’d think we would accept that the cash was a gift with nothing to do with his work for a government department called UNIT.

Anyway, we think we have him ‘bang to rights’, to use Cockney terminology, and, in addition to the tax on earnings, we think there are liabilities arising from The Doctor’s personal use of business assets: a sonic screwdriver and a TARDIS time machine.

Pending the full outcome of our enquiries, we have impounded both items and are open to suggestions as to what we can do with the former.

We have already put the latter to good departmental use: a few years ago we used to receive complaints that we were late in publishing the annual average foreign exchange rates.

We can now report that our first departmental use of the TARDIS was a success, and we have already published the average rates of exchange for the year ending 31 March 2012. Two months early!

The 2013 rates will be on our website shortly, as will the Finance Act 2012 and the general anti-abuse rule.

No more questions about whether HMRC is fit for purpose; we’re exceeding expectations now!

By the way, wasn’t the first Doctor known also as William Hartnell? Wild grey hair, staring eyes… Hartnell… Hartnett…

No, couldn’t be! Could it?
 

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