Whistleblower

Whistleblower

THAT CONFIDENTIAL MEMO that was accidentally left in the photocopier, the e-mail sent 'Reply all' by mistake — they all make their way to Whistleblower. Or so he says ...

INTERNAL

MEMORANDUM

From: WJAZ Public Relations

To: Revenue Head/Local offices

Subject: 'The Birth of the Cool'

Following publication of the top 'cool' list (see The Times, 29 September 2004), this agency has been commissioned to enhance the Inland Revenue's standing with its 'customers' by making it 'cool'. Local tax offices will be a place to see and be seen — a place to 'chill out'. We 'hit the ground running', as the survey found Somerset House to be the third coolest 'venue' in the country — and not just when the ice-skating rink is working! If we can raise local offices to head office standard that would be 'wicked'.

A Manager of Cool — 'the MC' — will be appointed for each tax office. In addition to ensuring that music by 'The Streets' (coolest musicians) is playing in public areas, he will also arrange regular screenings of movies by Tarantino (coolest film director) for customers waiting to be 'enabled'. (Disclaimers should reassure customers that the on-screen activities are unrelated to modern tax collection methods.)

In the top three coolest clothes, Diesel and Chanel are preferred designers; so please take note all those members of staff who are in daily contact with the public. The MC will regularly review employees' clothing. Staff who score 1 and 2 for levels of cool may use main entrances. Levels 3, 4 and 5 (sad) should use rear entrances, which will have a sign — 'BBC: "What Not To Wear" Auditions — This Way'.

(N.B. The second coolest clothing is 'Agent Provocateur'. After a lengthy perusal of recent catalogues, we decided that including this on the list of preferred workwear might infringe current domestic and European legislation, especially regarding male employees...)

The survey also showed that the actor Johnny Depp is the coolest person in Britain, followed by Boris Johnson. Approaches are being made to Johnny's (Depp that is) agent regarding availability for a post-Christmas tax return advertising campaign. If Johnny is unavailable, we remain unconvinced that Boris is cooler than Adam Hart-Davies and will commission further research here.

The coolest author is JK Rowling. Our printers are producing specially designed mock 'Harry Potter' covers that will fit over copies of the Taxes Acts, etc. Fortunately she has complied with our request to increase the length of her books — after her first paltry offering — and they are now a similar size to the legislation. (N.B. Note to Treasury — Brown must be prevented from trying to outdo JKR each year; this 'mine is bigger than yours' mindset must stop.)

'Cool memos' reminding employees of suitable lifestyle choices will be circulated regularly. And hey, you taxpaying dudes, let's rap to that groovy tax beat — 'Stay cool, you ain't no fool, don't be lax, get on down an' pay that tax!'

Issue: 3979 / Categories: