Whistleblower

THAT CONFIDENTIAL MEMO that was accidentally left in the photocopier, the e-mail sent 'Reply all' by mistake — they all make their way to Whistleblower. Or so he says ...

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL

From: 'A' for 'Ardent lover'

To: 'B' for 'Betrothed'

Subject: 'Nuptials and Tax'

My dearest darling,

'More than kisses, letters mingle souls'. And can I start this one by professing happiness at the thought of our impending nuptials; but just when we thought that there could be no more adverse consequences from that happy day, I may have some more bad news. As you know, my communing with nature did lead to modest success in spreading its bounty to others through my business — 'Munchy Originals'; this has meant that, in addition to nature, one must also occasionally commune with accountants and the like. While in the biscuit packing plant the other day — quality control, don't you know — this tax chappy was dealing with the next VAT return. After his congratulations, we started talking (one so likes to keep in touch with the younger generation) and he told me that a major advantage of marriage — well at our age anyway — is that we can pass property between ourselves without this capital gains tax thingy rearing its ugly head. Apparently such behaviour is only permitted between spouses — well, at least it is until we learn more about something called civil partnerships and we seem to have enough problems with civil marriages at the moment.

Anyway, to the point; Granny's antique ring. Whilst you may think that I have given this to you, I believe that this might, in retrospect, be more in the nature of a loan. Apparently, it is a chattel (derives from the same mediaeval word for cattle, when this was what wealthy people owned before the invention of Aston Martins) and, as an antique worth slightly more than £6,000, this tax can arise on the difference between its value now and when it was inherited; and it seems that Art Deco is very 'now'. Here's the rub, if I had given you an engagement ring after we had married there would be no problem. Perversely, by giving it to you before, I may have dropped myself into the tax equivalent of the compost heap. Fortunately, my tax adviser has come up with what I believe is called 'a cunning plan'.

It seems that Asda — a supermarket or so I'm told (note to secretary, do they stock 'Munchy Originals'?) — are selling an imitation of Granny's ring for the princely sum of £19.99 and one (the ring, not me) is enclosed. Would you mind terribly if you wore this until after the wedding, I am sure no one will notice: it will be one of our 'little secrets'!

So, my darling; after our marriage, not only our ethereal souls, but also our worldly goods can mingle without care; unfortunately, until that time, our property, especially our 'chattels that are not wasting assets' must remain much as 'star cross'd lovers'. One may look, but one may not touch.

Yours ever,

P.S. Addressed jiffy bag enclosed for return of Granny's ring.

P.P.S. Sorry, couldn't seem to find a stamp...

Issue: 3998 / Categories: