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Great minds...
The following email was intercepted on its way from a senior Treasury official to a counterpart at HMRC, both of whom shall – for diplomacy’s sake – remain anonymous.
Thanks for your message of Friday 1 May regarding quick fixes for refilling the coffers. I took the bank holiday weekend to consider your suggestions, and I’ve added some remarks.
Tax on souls
This may have worked for Peter the Great, but we need a tax that City bankers will be obliged to pay.
Greatly reduce legal age for employment
Would help raise more income tax – but increasing numbers of smoke-free residential zones could lead to mass unemployment in the 7-12 age bracket.
Levies on illegal drugs
About ten states in the US have considered this in recent years. Could be very effective in booming PR and advertising industries. One to bear in mind.
VAT on all food items
No way! Any department cutbacks might mean losing our garibaldi biccies.
Urine tax
A success for the ancient Romans, true – but the modern British taxpayer will think we’re taking the p***.
Reintroduce the Community Charge
Not sure about this one: we’d have to cordon-off the whole of central London. Might be tricky!
Levy on manure
Leofric, Earl of Merica, tried this one - and it ended with his wife showing her bare bum to the whole of Coventry. Would prefer for Mrs Brown to keep her kit on.
Lower threshold for IHT
Will look into after the Daily Express finally goes under.
Stricter penalties for tax evasion
May introduce this once the Revenue stops confusing evasion with avoidance.
Whisky tax
By a Scottish PM and Chancellor? Are you insane?!
Abolish equitable liability
It’s a winner! Let’s get it announced before the end of the month.
- Blog
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