MEMORANDUM – CONFIDENTIAL

FROM: HMRC head office
TO: all inspectors

Subject: 16,230 tax returns filed on New Year’s Eve

We have been sent a mobile phone video of what looks like a New Year’s Eve party somewhere in the UK, as Jool’s Holland’s Hootenanny programme appears at odd intervals on a television in the background. A transcript follows, and a reward will be given to any officer who can identify the taxpayer.

Bill: So, Fred, how’s business been this year?

Fred: Biznish? F****** fantastic mate. The only problem is our friends at the tax offish is gonna wanna take a bite.

Bill: Well I guess that’s only normal, Fred; after all, as Dave and Nick say, we’ve all got to share in the pain, etc. etc.

Fred: Share the pain? All those b***ers want to do ish share my gain. An they’ll probably spend it on ‘elicopters that don’t take off an’ haircraft carriers wot ain’t got no haircraft. Gimme another drink. I needs one.

Guests: Hootenanny!

Bill: I’m sure that you’re being a little unfair on a well-meaning government department.

Fred: Well-meaning? D’you know how long they took to process my subcontractors’ tax refund last year. I coulda built me own b****y helicopter in that time. Giz us that beer.

Bill: I’m sure they’ll deal with things more promptly this year.

Fred: I’ll give’m more promptly. Speakin’ of prompt, grab that whisky bottle ’fore someone else gets it. Wait a minute, I don’t need no promptin’. I’m doin’ me tax return right now.

Guests: Hootenanny!

Bill: Are you really sure that’s wise, Fred?

Fred: Course ‘tis. Carp thingy an’ all that. Talking ’bout not puttin’ off ’til tomorrow, if I do it now I won’t have put it off ’til next year. That’s gotta be a plush, ain’t it? Right. Beryl! [He shouts across the room at a tipsy-looking woman] Where’s me business records? Oh sod it, whaddo I nee’ them for? It’s all up ’ere in me ’ead. Bill, I’m not sure if I can manage these stairs up to me study, but that tax return’ll be a piece of fake, er I mean cake…

Guests: Hootenanny!

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